Four Scenes With the School Nurse

I. Daughter Uno goes to School Nurse with a rash. School Nurse says “You have a rash,” and sends her back to classes for the rest of the day. After she gets home, I take her to the doctor. The doctor takes one look and asks “So, how long have you had scarlet fever?”

II. Daughter Uno reports that she was called in to talk to School Nurse, after another student overheard her retching in the lavatory. (Daughter Uno, not School Nurse. Pronoun reference is a bitch.) Daughter Uno explains to School Nurse that they were dissecting sheep eyeballs in Science class, and it made her ill. School Nurse lectures Daughter Uno about bulimia. Daughter Uno wonders if the whole world has gone insane.

III. Daughter Dos calls from School Nurse’s office.

Daughter Dos: Hi, Daddy. I don’t feel good.

Me: I’m sorry to hear that. Please put the nurse on.

School Nurse: Daughter Dos left class because she didn’t feel well.

Me: Does she need to come home?

School Nurse: That’s between you and her.

Me: Given that I can’t see her, what do you think?

School Nurse: It’s really up to the two of you.

Me: Well, is she running a fever?

School Nurse: I haven’t taken her temperature. Would you like me to?

IV. School nurse calls to report that Daughter Dos’s ear hurts.

School nurse: Ibuprofen might make her feel better.

Me: Sounds good. Please go ahead and give her some.

School nurse: You’ll need to bring it in.

Me: You can’t give her ibuprofen?

School nurse: I don’t have any. We don’t stock any non-prescription medicines.

What is it you do again?

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