4 Hilarious Things That Probably Won’t Happen

So wide receiver Randy Moss started the season as a New England Patriot. Then he bitched and whined about his contract situation and the Pats waived him. He got picked up by the Minnesota Vikings for a third round draft pick and he bitched and whined about missing the Patriots. The Pats since Moss left are 3-0. The Vikes since Moss joined are 0-3. The Vikings announced yesterday that they are waiving Moss (Thanks for the draft pick, fellas!) Any team in the NFL could conceivably claim Moss off waivers. The team with the worst record (the Buffalo Bills) has the first opportunity to do so, the team with the best record (the Pats) has the last chance, if no one else claims him.

Here, presented in order of increasing hilarity, are the four most entertaining things that could happen next, but probably won’t:

The Oakland Raiders could claim him. This would be hilarious because Moss whined and sandbagged in Oakland for two years, essentially forcing them to trade him. Oakland hates Randy Moss, arguably for good reasons.

The Cincinnati Bengals could claim him. This would give the Bengals the crankiest and most literally nutty receiver corps in the league, with Randy Moss, Chad Ochocinco (the guy who changed his last name to his jersey number in Spanglish), and ol’ T.O., Terrell Owens. Just because these guys are cranky and nutty, doesn’t mean they can’t play. That’s some serious receiverage.

He could fall the whole way through the claim list, and the Pats could take him back. Moss has made it clear that he’d love to be a Patriot again. This would be the equivalent of us getting a third round draft pick in return for Randy Moss taking four weeks off. I believe that in this situation, we wouldn’t actually claim him, but we’d sign him as a free agent. Minny would still have to pay the balance of his salary, and we’d pay him the league minimum for veterans. Oh most excellent foppery of the world.

Moss could fall the whole way through the claim list, and the Pats might not take him. Presumably Belichick waived Moss for a reason, and that reason might well still be valid. This would be super hilarious because Minnesota would still have to pay Moss’s salary, we’d still be munching on their delicious third round pick, and we wouldn’t have to play against or with Moss.

All you sports monsters, tell me if I’ve got the mechanics of these possibilities wrong. I think the most likely thing that’s going to happen is he’ll get claimed by some OK boring team, and that won’t be as much fun.

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